Chapter 1

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 11:51:20 +0100

Chapter 1
Current mood: contemplative

This blogging thing is harder than it looks! I think I've re-written my first sentence about 3 times. I want to be able to just talk but have to think about who could possibly see my blogness and what they'd think!

Life is very very complicated sometimes. I thought that when I wasn't engaged anymore everything would be a lot simpler. I imagined myself being completely free of responsibilty and having a huge weight off my shoulders. And for a while I did. I started seeing P which for a while was great! I could have some fun then afterwards I didn't have to worry about ever having to text or call or do any of that shite. It was fantastic.

Trouble is I'm a girl, and no matter how much I don't particularly like them I always want them to crazy about me.

Hey, it's selfish and immensely girly I know but no-one told you to read this!

So, I saw P and could have some fun then not call the next day and not worry that I was hurting his feelings - which after the year I've had was too good to be true. Trouble was, this meant that when I did text after a hadn't seen him for a few weeks he could say he was busy without a moments thought. And THAT my ego couldn't take. So that was pretty much done.

What is it about my love life, it's never simple.

Anyhoo, I started dating for the first time like ever! lol. It was amazing. I've never been treated so well in my life. After the year I've had I just wanted to bask :-D

Trouble is I'm not so good at thinking about the long-term at the moment. It was only a few months ago that my life was pretty much mapped out for me and I hated it. At the moment I don't even want to think past the next few days. Luckily D has been pretty good about all that, he hasn't yet said "when am I seeing you next" thank god. That'd scare the crap outta me! Luckily the B or G words haven't been mentioned either.

When did I turn into a commitmaphobe??

I'm just not ready for one of those B things at the moment. Which is hard cos I am having fun but I dnt want to hurt anyone. I don't know what they want.

Then the other night Z was over. It's so hard, the situation there is so fraught. And how do I know that the feelings are true anyway, it might just be something that he's just saying. Maybe just because it's not allowed it feels like so much more. U always want what you can't have. I never expected him to say the things he did, I'm glad he said them but now it just feels strange. When he said them it was one of the best and worst moments.

O well, c'est la vie. Sometimes in life there's things that can't be helped.

Who knows what the future brings.

O and to S - thank you for loving me as much as you did. You are so special and because of you I am the person I am today. I never want you to be out of my life. I am so thankful that I have a friend like you, I will always love you.

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The Life and Loves of Me

Chapter 1